Monday, July 21, 2014

Corgis: The Socially Acceptable Possum; or, Does Anything Good Come Out of Wales?

There’s an old saying that pets resemble their owners. Or maybe it’s vice versa. This isn’t always true. However it is true that your pet may have your personality. So what kind of dog you choose to own can say a lot about you. 

Some dogs are obviously great. Like collies. Anyone who owns a collie is usually a very good person, because Lassie. People who own golden retrievers also fall into the category of great people. Fussy people have fussy little Shih Tzus, and quirky people who often have very sage advice get Scotty dogs. 

And then there are corgis.

I first realized that corgis are a symbol of all that is wrong with this world when I saw one for the first time. I was watching the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show, an annual event in our house that caused all matter of excitement for my sister and I. My mom would record it, and then we would watch it at intervals over the course of about a week, taking great care to stay away from all the news channels. This was before the days of the Internet, where people complain about going on CNN’s homepage and finding spoilers for sports events. Back then, we used common sense about avoiding spoilers. But back to the subject of demon dogs.

The camera was focusing on the head, slowly panning to reveal a body which most decidedly did not fit with the head. I asked my mom why Westminster was letting mutant dogs in its dog show. Corgis aren't mutant, she replied. They're a thing. Just a very ugly thing, and don't say anything because your father's family likes them and we don't want him to cause another scene.

Corgis are the dog version of Frankenstein's monster, and whoever designed them had about as much originality as Dr. Frankenstein, for they clearly stole their legs from basset hounds, their faces from beagles, and the bodies from a dog which most likely had much longer legs. In short, corgis are the stuff that nightmares are made of. 

More inbred than cocker spaniels, corgis are, incidentally, the queen's favorite dog. This should be no shock to anyone, since the Windsor family may be more inbred than cocker spaniels. Perhaps like beings attract, or perhaps it's all part of an evil plan on the part of a corgi breeder who is lining Queen Elizabeth's coffers in exchange for good advertising. Eventually they may line her coffin, because  Prince Charles is never photographed with his mother's beloved pests. One can only imagine his mother's obsession with mutant dwarf canines have soured him on the species for life. We also know that Lupo is most decidedly not a corgi. 

Whatever your stance may be on corgis, I think we can all agree that they are pitied, and used as a kind of object lesson. Corgis should be the face of why incest is never a good idea.

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