Monday, May 5, 2014
It's Not Enough to Be My Cupcake
I am thankful that it's 2014 and the cupcake craze is over. Shops linger here and there, but the reality shows, the lines, and the crazy flavors that sound like the misguided gourmet combinations of an eleven year old are finally something that can be dismissed as so 2007.
Cupcakes are billed as a personal bit of cake for one person. That's a terrible idea, because if there's one thing there's never too much of, it's cake. No one really wants a miniature cake when they could have a slice of cake to eat with a fork in perfect increments of frosting and cake, while basking in the safety of the knowledge that the entire rest of the cake is there for them.
Try as I might, I can't enjoy eating a cupcake. I try. But once I get really into eating the experience, there's exactly one and a half bites left, and then there is just a sad, limp wrapper. The only people who think cupcakes are a good idea are those girls who also claim that kale is their spirit animal and that they'd choose kale over pizza. And we all know what we really think of those girls.
Once you reconcile yourself with the truth that you'll only be able to eat enough cake to leave you wanting more, you have to get past the difficulty that is inherent in eating a cupcake. Do you use your fingers? Do you use a fork? How are you supposed to get a fork, when they generally hand it to you in a paper bag which then messes up the icing, leaving it all over the inside of the bag with no way of gracefully retrieving every last bit of it?
And the icing. The icing is generally at least half as tall as the cupcake. While my mouth can generally manage a cupcake without icing, the icing poses a serious problem. One needs a bit of icing to make the cake (which is usually dry because most people have no idea how to properly bake a cake so it retains moistness and absolute perfection) palatable. But no one has time to navigate the delicate balance of keeping the icing off my face while trying to eat the cupcake in a ladylike manner.
So, in the interest of eliminating stressful situations in my life, I am swearing off cupcakes, evil little teases that they are, and commit to full sized cakes, where there's always more should I want it.