Tuesday, April 22, 2014

What Wine Goes With Cap'n Crunch?

I understand wine is a very snobby thing. I dated a guy once who practically gargled it in his haste to show everyone just how much he knew about wine. I know pretty much next to nothing about wine, except that it's one way to deal with annoying roommates from hell. Thankfully I'll never be rich enough to actually become an alcoholic, which is a great comfort to all who love and worry about my well being. 

My lack of knowledge about wine is freeing. Sure, I may never become a wine taster for a prestigious Napa valley vineyard, but I have perfected the art of unique wine pairings.

Red Zinfandel

Goes with orange chicken and crab rangoon. (The chicken never tasted quite right, but this is what your ex always ordered for you so you labored under the impression that you adored orange chicken for four long years. Maybe it's because he didn't love you enough to decipher what Chinese food you really liked, or maybe he just didn't care enough.) If it's orange chicken, douse your permanent disappointment in it in with a bottle of red zinfandel. It's sweet and it's abnormally high in alcohol content for a bottle of wine, making it the perfect companion to your disillusionments in both romance and Chinese food. 


Goes with General Tso's Chicken and crab rangoon. One day you met a guy who loved you enough to crack the mystery of why the orange chicken didn't taste like what you thought it would. It wasn't the orange chicken you were in love with, it was actually the General Tso's Chicken. Chinese food is so much more than that comfort food you curl up with on the couch after a bad day. It can tell you a lot about the relationships you are in. With this in mind, grab the Chardonnay. It's festive, light, and makes you feel happy, which completely sums up both General Tso's chicken and love. Order an extra helping of the crab rangoon so you have something to snack on when you get hungry, as you probably will be hungry again in an hour. 

Sauvignon Blanc

Pairs with super sharp cheddar and milk chocolate chips. You discover this combination late one night while watching old black and white movies on Netflix with the cat. Sadly, you cannot convince anyone else that this combination is sheer brilliance. On the bright side, you rationalize that at least you don't have to be polite and offer it to anyone else, instead eating it all yourself before the movie is over. 


Goes with three cheese tortellini and basil pesto, topped with an inordinate amount of freshly grated parmesan and sliced tomatoes (unless you were feeling lazy in which case it is perfectly acceptable to ditch the tomatoes). This wine is not for the faint of heart, but you liked the packaging once because you're totally the kind of girl who falls for wine bottles that are targeting women your age because obviously. 


Pairs best with popcorn both from the theater and homemade. Preferably with extra butter on top. This is a beautiful combination of the highbrow and the lowbrow, where two people meet, fall in love, and end up happily ever after though all romantic precedents indicate one should die in an abnormally tragic manner (see Wuthering Heights, Love Story, and Inventing the Abbots). 


Cap'n Crunch. Yes, George Carlin, I have done the research and have solved your eternal question.

Pinot Grigio

You buy this wine because you think it will taste similar to Cabernet Sauvignon. Unfortunately you are wrong. This is the wine you buy in the midst of the quarter life crises, which puts the cherry on the top of your mid twenties angst. You may pair this wine with pizza. You may pair it with quesadillas. You may pair it with english muffins you only recently unearthed from the freezer in an effort to decontaminate it from the Satan that has taken up residence there. You don't pair this wine with anything, because it refuses to pair with anything. You are drinking it to forget, and now that it is the next morning you aren't sure what it was you wanted to forget. You do know that under its influence you apparently went shopping online and spent a small fortune on Sephora. In that way perhaps it could be called a fairy godmother of wine. But then again, it really can't. 


This is what you turn to when the going is tough. Whiskey is a multipurpose solution, rather like how baking soda is the secret to all of your problems. Whiskey is what you drink in your hot tea when you are sick. Whiskey is what you drink when your roommate comes down with strep and you want to kill that niggling feeling in your throat that could be sympathy pains or strep pains. Whiskey can be added to your baking in lieu of vanilla. Whiskey is what you turn to when you have a wedding you really don't want to go to and need something to go in that cute flask you bought six years ago and have never used. Whiskey is the answer to the question, and sits quietly on the counter waiting to be needed. And whiskey tastes so awful you know you'll never be able to drink more than a tablespoon at a time. 

No comments: