Monday, April 7, 2014

The Crown Jewels of Orangutan Patriarchy

It's currently the fashion to yammer about the patriarchy and how it's pulling us down. I'm sure it is pulling us down in countless ways, but I have other pressing things that are bothering me, and one of those subjects seems to be at the root of the patriatrarchal mindset that is opposing all progress whatsoever. That subject is that men simply don't know how to sit. 

As girls we are taught from an early age to sit demurely with our ankles crossed appropriately, taking up as little space possible. This is all fine and dandy for sitting in most public places where space is not a precious commodity. But on public transportation this is terrible information, because we have several generations of orangutanal males who want their seat and your seat, too. 

I've been observing this for several months, now, and am forced to conclude that they are taught this from a very young age. Somewhere in their infancy it seems an evil spirit whispers into their ears that if they ever allow their knees to touch, their precious crown jewels will wither and die, disintegrating into dust and dooming the human race forever. 

I'm here to tell you, men of the world, that that is not the case. Not only will your fertility still flourish, but you’ll also have a better chance of success should you find yourself confronted with a cute girl who just so happens to be sharing the bench with you. If you’re behaving like an orangutan, she probably won’t want to sit by you and instead find the least threatening older lady in the car to sit by. 

The only way to fight this abominable snowman like behavior is to take up as much seat as possible. Don't worry about the glares from other people as you persist in setting up your oversized bag as a fortifying wall against the looming girth of neanderthal men. Don't capitulate to the idea that girls must take up as little room as possible and pop buttons off your coat in your haste to flee from the offending largeness invading your space. Go forth, and conquer orangutans everywhere. 

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