Monday, March 31, 2014

What A Woman Wants

It is said that women are the more ruthless of the two sexes. It's true. We are ruthless. Despite our fascination with Disney princesses, we have more in common with the Disney villainesses. And just like Ursula, we want Prince Eric. Not because he’s interesting. If anything he’s probably one of the least exciting of all the Disney princes, and not completely on the ball, either. No one has time for a stupid man. But we do want princes. Or to be precise, we want their clothes. 

Expanding our wardrobes is the primary reason for finding a boyfriend. We want those oversized sweatshirts and t-shirts that we can throw on at a moment's notice to answer the door for the mailman delivering our latest order from Sephora. We want those oversized sweatshirts and t-shirts for pajamas, and loungewear. We want those oversized sweatshirts and t-shirts so we can wear them to forget. We want to forget that we have bodies so we can drink as much wine and eat as much chocolate as we please during times of great need, forgetting that calories exist because we are so shrouded in an oversized North Face (one that we would never buy for ourselves because we're too indie for brand names) that we forget we even have a size.

Now before you bring out your arguments about our modern age of feminism and independence to tell me that girls can just buy their own oversized apparel, let me just tell you, you're wrong. No girl in her right mind would ever buy clothes so much larger than her regular size. To do so would be to admit defeat, and would also be a waste of good money which could go to more fun investments such as pink lipstick or new high heels. It's much more economical to steal these necessities of a good life.  

So men, be on your guard. It's prime hunting season. Warm weather means sidewalk cafes, and sidewalk cafes are the best place for dates, because if your date proves to be boring there's plenty of people watching to be had to pass the time. If she is canny enough to suggest sitting outside, she's canny enough to want the shirt off your back. Be forewarned, and sally forth. 

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