Monday, March 10, 2014

Dante's Seven Circles of iCloud

Everyone says social mobility is a thing of the past. Perhaps it is. But we have a better way to procure a happily ever afterlife for ourselves, now, and that is through our superior technological choices.

It's no secret that I love Apple Computers. They really are the greatest. This was drummed into my head at an early age, for Steve Jobs was next to God in our household. Never mind what people say about him being a jerk. We all have our faults, and that was his, and I can overlook it because he put the music into my phone in one gorgeous interface that works practically perfectly in every way. He enabled me to block out all the most annoying people in the world with one invention, and for that I shall always be grateful. 

Yes, Apple makes objets d'art. Why would I want to waste my money on something that is merely functional and has all the beauty of a two bit whore in the early hours of a Sunday morning? I don't. There's nothing quite like the feeling of opening an Apple product for the first time. I can only describe it as akin to the feeling a guy must get when he sees his significant other in lingerie. It's magical, with a hint of what is to come and the heights of happiness that you will attain. Opening up the box to see your new MacBook Air nestled in its packaging, with all its accoutrements in a beautiful rectangular box hovering just above your new laptop is the kind of feeling you treasure until you buy your next Apple product. 

And here you scoff. You sit there, reading this, on your Lenovo, your Toshiba, and your hideous Dell. But just remember the feeling you got when you powered up your iPhone with its newly installed iOS 7 and the smugness you felt as you looked askance at the man beside you on metro, still laboriously using a stylus somehow he forgot to lose on his archaic Blackberry. That's the feeling I get when I get a new Apple product. It's a hint of things to come, for Dante would no doubt agree that there's a special circle of Heaven for those who appreciate great art which also functions better than your PC ever dreamt of. I shall be there, enjoying all the benefits of the great iCloud in the sky, while you curse every antivirus program you ever downloaded. 

No comments: