Tuesday, February 4, 2014

Which Bad Buzzfeed Quiz Are You?

I love Buzzfeed. Buzzfeed is the savior of millennials everywhere who are bored at work. Their articles are concise, easy to read and are decorated with as many gifs and pictures as a children's book. And now they have quizzes.

I'm completely addicted to their quizzes. Over the past month I have discovered what Peanuts character I would be (Lucy), what city I should live in (Paris, or maybe Capetown), and what food would I be (chocolate chip cookies). And every time I begin to answer the questions, I feel the familiar fear creep over me as I realize that while I could win the quiz and end up Lucille Bluth, I could also just as easily wind up losing by getting Tobias as a result, and do I really want that hanging over my head for the rest of my life? 

Then last week I realized it was all meaningless. How many quizzes can a girl take until all the results become a mind numbing jumble in her head? With that in mind, here are some ideas for Buzzfeed's next quiz.

Which Of The Three Blind Mice Are You?
You get the farmer's wife, the one who cruelly lopped off their tails with a carving knife and spent the next hour cleaning up mouse blood. What kind of human are you, anyway? You do not share this on Facebook.

Which of the Original Mouseketeers Are You?
Hopefully one who didn't die of a drug overdose or obesity.

Which Unknown Victorian Author Are You?
With choices like Bulwer-Lytton, Gaskell, and Collins, how can anyone lose on this? Besides, posting it to your Facebook will be sure to let everyone know just exactly how erudite your offline tastes are, even if you do spend the majority of your day taking quizzes on Buzzfeed.

Which 1960s Pop Star Are You?
This quiz will lead you on a happy rabbit trail through Spotify in your quest to remember what exactly is the difference between Petula Clark and Lulu, but since both answers reference "their versatility which appeals to many", does it really matter what your result is?

Which Illness Are You?

Malaria, cholera, tuberculosis, oh my!

Which World War II General Are You?
Patton? Eisenhower? This is thrilling and, if you happen to be female, may attract the attention of single guys who are also history buffs.

Which of the 13 Colonies Are You?
Whichever colony adopted modern conveniences first.

Which Erectile Dysfunction Medicine Are You?
Are you a pill, an herbal remedy or a weird deodorant that causes everyone in your life who comes into immediate contact with you to contract extreme cases of acne?

What Do Your Politics Say About You?

In case you don't understand the difference between Republicans or Democrats.

Which Forgotten President Are You?
A quiz that has you testing the limits of your 4th grade memories with presidents such as Franklin Pierce, John Tyler, and Warren G. Harding.

Which Character Are You in Disney's Song of the South?
A great quiz to take, since no one of the Buzzfeed generation has actually even seen this banned movie. This quiz is impossible to cheat on.

Which Geological Formation Best Describes You?
With any luck, one that isn't a phallic shape so you can post your results to Facebook without fear of torment.

Which Third World Country Should You Live In?
Because Paris, London, and New York City are so last year.

Which Maritime Disaster Are You?
With results as varied as Titanic (long, cold tryst with death), Lusitania (short and bombastic), Andrea Doria (congratulations on probably surviving) or Empress of Ireland (whattttt), this quiz is sure to have something for everyone.

Which Extreme Weather System Are You?

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