Monday, February 10, 2014

The Magical Mystery Five

People everywhere claim to love the Beatles, but most of them have no idea what the songs of the later years are really about. Your favorite Beatle says a lot about your personality, and about your depth of devotion to bands that began as fads but happened into the land of musical legends.

If John Lennon is your favorite, then I am sorry to say that you have never had an original thought in your life. You also labor under delusions of greatness. 

You try hard to be ironic in your passions lest someone make fun of you. In short, you're an egomaniac. John Lennon is the least original Beatle of all of them, and looked as if he had questionable hygiene. Thank God Yoko Ono broke up the Beatles when she did to free the other Beatles from lives of abject misery spent worshipping and cleaning up after John Lennon. He also embodied the worst of the looks of the late seventies, although that is not really relevant here. 

Men show their appreciation for Lennon by wearing plaid shirts, beards, and slightly too long hair which they cover up with a knit cap. Women show it by harboring a secret resentment toward Yoko Ono, or publicly exclaiming (a little too loudly) their appreciation for her tweets about standing naked while the snow falls. 

People put up with you out of a sense of duty, because you're either married to a Harrison fan or because they dimly hope to be able to use you half as much as you have used them. On the bright side of this people will always speak well of you and only think these thoughts in the safety of their own homes so you'll never have to bother your genius brain about their tiny and inconsequential feelings. Your favorite Beatles song is Imagine, because obviously.

If Paul McCartney is your favorite, congratulations! I shall be friends with you, because he is my favorite, too. If you like Paul McCartney you are a happy person, who doesn't trouble your head by overthinking political problems that no one will remember in seventy years. 

People enjoy being around you, and you enjoy being around some people. You are also an Anglophile at heart. You secretly live for grey rainy weekends which you spend watching Sherlock on Netflix with a teapot filled with English Breakfast if you are feeling sweet, Irish Breakfast if you are feeling rebellious. You have news alerts on Kate Middleton, Stephen Fry, and Alan Rickman, and secretly long to be British yourself, although you appreciate the teeth your American Heinz 57 heritage has granted you. 

Because of this fascination, it is only natural that your favorite would be Sir McCartney. Dear Paul has spent his entire life looking like either a Christmas elf or a quintessential British grandfather (who still retains elfin qualities). Yoko Ono freed him to record happy songs about sitting down for a cuppa. He is, like Mary Poppins, pretty much perfect in every way, and has never forsaken his British roots. 

Your favorite Beatles song is any of the happy songs, preferably the ones before they discovered the wonders of LSD, although you secretly prefer the covers from Across the Universe and I am Sam more.

If George Harrison is your favorite Beatle, you are a person to look up to. You don't give a flying flip about fame, money, or the adulation of your fans. Your favorite Beatles song is most likely Here Comes the Sun, because this song justifies the entire existence of the band. 

Your mind is on a higher plane, searching out ways to make the world a better place, and your life choices reflect this. You have totally donated to Heifer International and feel secretly disheartened that Bill Gates copied you on this. In short, you're a pillar of your community. You may also be the pope. 

People love you, and invite you to their homes for dinner not out of obligation but because they like to bask in the warmth you emanate. You have no time to spare on hipster tools like Lennon, for you have a strong sense of your own self-worth and plenty of your own ideas. 

After Yoko freed George from the Beatles he went on to collaborate with the likes of Neil Young, Roy Orbison, and Bob Dylan, even forming a band with them called the Traveling Wilburys. You can find them in the dictionary under "musical perfection".

If Ringo Starr is your favorite, your favorite Beatles song is Octopus' Garden, which you will always claim to hold a deep meaning for you. It doesn't, but you appreciate the level of weirdness which Lennon's Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds tried for but failed to attain. You not only march to your own drum, but you composed the song the drummer is playing. No one else can follow along, but they smile and nod at you because they can't help but like you. 

You're a fun person to be around, which makes people overlook that you don't always have the time to shower when there are other things that require your attention. You're the person people invite to their parties because you will make the party a huge success no matter how the appetizers turned out. Yoko Ono freed Ringo from the burden of matching haircuts and he never looked back. He has never shied from doing what he loves, no matter how odd other people might think it. Voice work for the Powerpuff Girls? Sign him up. In his own way, he may be the most legitimate of all the Beatles, just because he wholeheartedly believes in the philosophy of "you do you".

If Pete Best is your favorite, you're a sad hipster. You're the one who moved to Portland because you thought it would be the next big thing, only to find out that the next big thing was actually Williamsburg, and now you're stuck on the wrong side of the country. You are doomed to wander in the great Pacific Northwest for the rest of your life, and while you pretend to be a fan of Portlandia, it secretly irks you and keeps you awake late at night with feelings of terrible self-doubt. 

Your favorite Beatles song is a demo that was buried so deep in the bowels of the Internet that Reddit doesn't even know it exists. This song is your favorite topic of conversation at cocktail parties, because you feel that it proves your hipsterness is unique, when really you're like half a million other sad, lonely people.

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