Friday, May 17, 2013

Paleolithic Pornography

There's a trend sweeping the food blogs. A fad of lentils. A burst of buckwheat. And a host of other grains I don't know and don't care to learn how to pronounce. I'm looking at you, quinoa. These ancient grains are the current health food superstars, and my favorite blogs that used to be filled with glorious peanut butter pie pornography are now filled with rustic polenta cakes with resinous herbs, meat pie with buckwheat groats, and spelt veggie burgers. Don't ask me what a groat is. I don't think I want to know.

What just happened? When did antique birdseed take over our lives? I suspect it has something to do with the paleolithic diet that has top bloggers, foodies, and desperate dieters in its grip. When I first heard of the paleolithic diet I mistakenly thought it was an archaeological breakthrough that had something to do with extinct fish now only found in fossilized form. Sadly, that is not the case. It's a diet that from what I can understand consists of eating only what was available to our paleolithic ancestors. No flour, no sugar, and no cheese. Since my four major food groups are cheese, sour cream, mayonnaise, and bread, this diet has no appeal for me. I'm sure our Paleolithic ancestors made the best of it, maybe even enjoyed it, and had they had access to the Internet, would have spent their time filling their blogs with this ancient grain food porn. But since they obviously left it behind with the fossilized fish, why would I want to revive something dead and buried?

I met the health food fad ages ago. My grandma liked health food before it was cool. That's how hipster my family is. We also watched Seinfeld before it was popular, and I watched more Saturday Night Live as a toddler (when it was actually still worth watching) than a college student does during senior year. I knew how bad my grandma's health food was, and it hasn't changed all that much in the last two decades. It's still pretty much tasteless. No matter how many resinous herbs you add to your grilled polenta, or how high you can trick your gluten free cake into rising, my heart just won't be in my applause. I'll smile politely, but please give me a slice of pizza with sausage and extra cheese.

It's not that I'm against fruits and vegetables. I am the champion of rhubarb. I visit the farmers market every week. I'll happily eat an avocado for dinner. But I also love things like cheese. And sourdough toast with salted butter. And baked potatoes with cheddar and sour cream. Why forsake these beautiful inventions for whatever resinous herbs may be? There's a reason these are ancient grains were only rediscovered recently, and that reason is that flour is magic and makes things like bread, while buckwheat groats only create more disillusioned souls searching for a sour cream meaning in life.


Jenna (J and Co) said...

Paleo sounds really do-able to me until I get to the no cheese thing. At which point I say "well that's it, I'm out!

kesadler said...

Danae! I love your writing girl!!! Keep it up!

Anonymous said...

You go girl
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