Tuesday, May 28, 2013

Leave Your Psychotic Mom At Home

I've always thought of online dating as a slightly disreputable operation carried on by desperate people. I swore I'd never sink so low. But then my friends began telling me of how they were thinking of trying it. There were long conversations over drinks about how maybe, just maybe there are nice guys to be found on dating sites, despite how we laughed at the idea during college. We reasoned that perhaps all the nice guys one would actually want to date are busy working long hours, furthering their careers, and paying off their college loans. It was only logical that these nice guys must then be driven online because that's all they would have time for between their 12-16 hour workdays and a few precious hours for sleep.

So I decided it was time to see if this theory was correct, or if it was merely the outcome of our happy hour logic after a few too many drinks. I'm still not sure if the theory works or not, but I have been on a few dates now, and I'm afraid the theory has been weakened. So, in order to keep our bourbon infused daydream alive and well, here are a few helpful hints for those amazing workaholic guys, in the hopes that they exist somewhere in the world.


Tips For Guys on Online Dates

1. Don't bring up your psychotic mom in the first five minutes of conversation. Your date will spend the next quarter of an hour wondering if that was supposed to be a joke and if she was supposed to laugh instead of looking shocked. Because of this, she will accidentally tune you out while she wonders why you would mention a psychotic mom so quickly, while you ramble about what you do for a living and so when you next mention your job, she'll ask you all about it a second time.

2. Do tell her if you are unable to climb stairs. This way she won't feel like a horrible person for suggesting you guys meet in the city in the loft of her favorite coffeeshop. She'll then spend a good amount of time feeling guilty about how long it took you to get to get to the subway, and she'll feel even worse when you tell her how half of your subway line was shut down and you had to get on and off a shuttle bus. Why she feels guilty about this oversight on your part, she doesn't know, but still. It's unsettling.

3. Don't mention your psychotic mom again. At this point she will ask you if you are joking, and when you say your mother is a manipulative hoyden from hell, this will erase any chance you had of a second date.

4. Don't talk about her cholesterol and tell her how she needs to stop eating eggs and cheese immediately. If you choose to be a gluten-free vegan with paleolithic tendencies, fine, more power to you, but she obviously isn't, and dissing her two favorite foods isn't winning you brownie points. Right now she is thinking about how she would rather be at home by herself with a bottle of wine and a block of cheese. Or about how she would rather be anywhere but here. Again, this will cement in her head that she likes people who eat red meat.

5. Don't bring up your older sister and how she is a mean person who picked on you incessantly growing up, who then moved away to get away from your aforementioned psychotic mom. Your date may be an older sister herself, and if so, she will have zero sympathy for you, and instead have sympathy for the sister.

6. Don't ask her if she can cook. She is an adult, so the odds are that she can, but unless she answered a Craigslist ad for a full-time chef, she probably doesn't want you to recite a list of your favorite vegan foods and then ask if she can cook each one. She will retaliate by bringing up her love of medium rare hamburgers and how the blood dripping from it makes her heart do a little skip. She will also then tell you that she really doesn't cook that often and usually orders a meat lover's pizza with extra cheese.

7. You can ask her if she likes animals, but when you find out she has a cat, don't mention how you'd love to move in with a girl (or a guy) who had a cat. It won't make her feel any more comfortable in this already completely awkward situation, and she will shut down the conversation by bringing it back to your psychotic mom, because, let's face it, this may be the most exciting thing about the entire date. She will also wonder why you added the part about moving in with a guy who had a cat.

8. If you fail on all these points, please feel free to only talk about yourself. She will be thankful she didn't have to volunteer any information that could possibly allow you to find her on the internet.

1 comment:

Network Ace said...

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