Monday, May 20, 2013

How I Survived a Hijacking by a Bridezilla

Like many American twenty-something girls, I use Pinterest. Unlike many American twenty-something girls, I do not have a wedding board. Sure, I may have pinned a wedding dress to the obligatory style pinboard that comes automatically with every Pinterest account, but that's about the extent of my interest. Since a wedding is something I would probably only wish to have once (at least at this point in my life), and since I've never really thought of it as the defining event of my life, I really could care less about looking at wedding ideas. There are so many other things to think about in life, like Benedict Cumberbatch, whether peplums are flattering or not, and Wes Anderson's next film. 

People with wedding boards annoy me. I understand seeing a pretty dress and wanting to remember it, but seventy nine pretty dresses? Seventy nine dresses which are all variations upon the mermaid dress. When is the point where a girl says uncle? How will pinning seventy nine dresses help you narrow it down? Will you really be able to judge fairly between dress number three and dress number forty one? These are all questions that I asked myself as I was slogging through my Pinterest feed after one girl had gone on a wedding dress pinning binge.

After a few days of this madness, I realized that I didn't need to subject myself to this and unfollowed her wedding board. That was all it took. My Pinterest feed regained normalcy and once again provided me with a steady stream of pretty foods, cute kittens, and Modcloth dresses. I became drunk with power and vowed to never let my feed be hijacked by a bridezilla again. I systematically unfollowed every other wedding board I had inadvertently subscribed to when I had so innocently and unknowingly clicked the "follow all" button. Pinterest very wisely makes it difficult for a girl to see who still follows their boards, and only if they go through all their followers will they see that you aren't a devoted fan of their fetish for cheap, dead ringers of Kate Middleton's wedding dress. I was in a state of supreme bliss.

And then it happened. One day I found myself barraged with wedding horrors pinned by a girl who had recently become engaged. She was making up for lost time by going on a pinning spree that rivaled that of a shopaholic with a new credit card. Well, fine. I would unfollow her too. No sooner had I done this when I realized I had just made the worst mistake of my Pinterest career. Her wedding board was like What Not to Wear: Wedding Edition. The magenta and gold eyeshadow, garish bouquets, and satin prom dresses straight from the 1980s were simply begging for an intervention by Stacy and Clinton. 

My sense of the absurd began to silently reproach me. I found myself regretting my hasty decision to unfollow her Pinterest board. But my hands were tied. If I refollowed it she would be notified and then she would know that I had unfollowed her. And so I learned my lesson, even as I counted down the days until the wedding of the century. Be careful who you unfollow, because sometimes the bad can be a blessing in disguise, and since we still have a few days until Arrested Development comes back, we need all the entertainment we can get.

(As seen on Thought Catalog)

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