Monday, March 11, 2013

The Perfect Couple

When you graduate college you will do two things. First, you will thank your lucky stars to have made it out alive. After a few weeks of feeling immense relief and accomplishment, you will promptly delve into a period of time where you denounce your alma mater for the various ideological problems that you alone are enlightened enough to be able to call it on. For a long time I thought perhaps this experience was unique to only my college, but I have since come to the conclusion that this is a universal truth. Whether you attended Vassar, Harvard, or a Bible school in the Ozarks, eventually everyone reaches the top of that Platonic mountain and looks back to dismiss their college experience as a futile exercise in pleasing small-minded people. Or at least people not as open-minded as you profess to be.

When I went through my period of angry denouncement of the private school my poor mother had just paid a small fortune to send me to, I focused my derision on one of the favorite topics of discussion among my classmates. What made men male and women female. I must confess I never saw the point of debating this subject. It seems to me that people are either born with one sort of organs or another, and that is about as much difference as I require. And as far as defining people by one ideal, well, that's just not going to happen in a country where we are free to pursue happiness. For the record, the perfect woman was generally agreed upon by the male students of my school to look like Grace Kelly and act as she did in all her films, where she beautifully delivered lines written for her by male scriptwriters and acted exactly as her male directors prescribed. I can see that. I'm sure every man dreams of having a wife as beautiful and obedient as Grace Kelly appears to be. What I couldn't understand was how the perfect man was the fictional hero Jason Bourne. I am still unclear on this point. Watching the Bourne movies has only convinced me that Jason Bourne excels at running about and grunting profusely as he tries to save the world. There is not a lot of depth of character to work with. Maybe that's because he is an amnesiac, but still. I think women should expect men to possess intelligence just as men expect women to be able to walk in high heels. I also expect a great many other things that I doubt Jason Bourne would be good at, such as the ability to catch conversational curveballs, use proper punctuation, know the difference between a de Kooning and a Diebenkorn, and excel in the art of making fun of fellow brunch eaters on lazy Sunday mornings. In other words, less Sylvester Stallone and more Wes Anderson. But I digress.

My period of bitterness didn't last very long. For one thing it takes a tremendous amount of focus and energy to be bitter, and since I generally don't take the time to focus on things that I am bored by (like the Bourne series) I had to leave it behind in order to focus on all the other wonderful things that surround me in this world. I also find it's better for my blood pressure to ignore these things. I still feel strongly about this subject, but I also feel very strongly about the importance of green living and Kitchenaid mixers (overpriced contraptions that, while beautiful, really aren't necessary), so I'd much rather talk about those things instead.

1 comment:

Kyte said...

Ha! Interesting insight, for sure. But of course I do like Jason Bourne...and I suspect he could handle many of the artistic and intellectual challenges you proposed! But to each her own! ;) love!